Trying to Help Others (who won’t receive your help)
Many who have a strong interest in growing spiritually also have a deep care for others. You may find yourself sought out by friends and family who want to share their troubles with you in hopes of getting some sound guidance. But what are you to do when it seems they won’t consider and apply what you have to offer?
This is a fundamental experience that is incredibly common and it can be quite frustrating. We want to be of service to others and help them in the areas where they struggle. And yet, after a while it can seem like all they really want is someone to unload to.
If every suggested action you present is met with resistance, it is time to step back and begin to learn how to work energetically. As mystics, we always strive to operate on the energetic plane as it is the easiest way to bypass the deception that someone’s words may be covering up.
Being of service to others is a noble aim and in fact, Jesus taught it as a very high choice. He said, “There is no greater love than to give up your life for you friends.” There are many ways to interpret this teaching however let’s think in simple terms.
Giving up your life can mean giving your time and your prefered activity in order to be available for another soul in need. If you encounter a person who loves to talk about their troubles but does not seem receptive to your input, they are often sucking energy from you.
This is radically different than what Jesus taught. He did not spend hours trying to convince the Pharisees to follow Him. When you contemplate the Gospels in deep meditation, it becomes evident that Jesus was a master at responding to the energy of those who sought Him out.
When a person just wants to have you as their audience and talk at length about how they are being mistreated or victimized by people and life, the energy is not very receptive. People in this mindset are looking for validation of their victim status NOT for spiritual guidance.
It doesn’t matter how much they say they want help. In short order, you will sense that they are not willing to see a different perspective, one that would help liberate them. This can be hard to accept if we haven’t yet made the leap to read energy as opposed to following the words of those coming to us for help.
The other big issue in these scenarios is the tendency to feel you can help them because they really can’t do it themselves. This is a form of codependency. It is where we see ourselves as the rescuer of someone who has fallen on hard times and is receiving unfair treatment or is trapped beyond being able to get out. It is true we may have a greater developed spiritual sight which means we can see the situation more objectively, but we are not called to rescue people.
If someone is too wrapped up in the emotion of a difficult situation, it is common that they can’t really see how they got to where they are, nor how they might be sustaining the difficulties.
Another situation that drains a huge amount of energy is when someone is wrapped up in drugs or alcohol and you want to help them. You can see they are on a path to destruction and you care deeply so you want to save them from a troubling fate.
Truth is, you can’t. Here we can begin to speak more candidly about the soul. A soul is an amazing creation. We have tremendous will power and we have a potent desire nature. Everyone is endowed with these faculties. If we want to progress spiritually, we have to develop a strong will power and yet temper it so we don’t become too rigid.
Discussing the use of our will power helps us to understand the responsibility each of us has in the difficulties we create. We have to explore what desires have a grip upon us and which of our desires bring us closer to God and which separate us.
For example, using pornography as a way to find pleasure is something that separates us from God because it isolates the pleasure aspect of sex and negates the intimacy. No intimacy, no love. No love, no God.
A desire that brings us closer to God might be a desire to understand Jesus’ life and study the Gospel with great fervor. As we surrender to this desire, our love for God grows. In order to really grow spiritually, we need our will power to support our desires that are in accord with love and thus with God.
We also need a strong will to resist the temptation to fuel the desires that take us away from God. There is always supernatural help when our aim is to move closer to God. But even without that aspect, any soul can overcome difficulty when they are acquainted with their desire nature and they have well developed will power.
Now back to ‘saving others’… When you are faced with someone appearing to be in a real bind and seeking your help, train yourself to tune into their energy. You will want to quickly identify how motivated the person is to make changes in their attitude and action. This can be pretty easily discerned in conversation.
Avoid the temptation to make suggestions. When you make suggestions, first off, you begin to disempower the other because you assume they can’t find these solutions themselves. Instead, take on the mindset that the person has responsibility in how their situation came about.
Going back to our example about someone caught up in substance abuse, we know this can’t happen overnight. A person makes a series of choices to continue indulging and dealing with those consequences even though it’s obvious they are hurting themselves. The desire for the pleasurable sensations has trumped their will to live a healthy life.
Until the person decides to engage their will in pursuit of a different desire, not much will change. It’s all about decisions. When we seek to rescue someone, we tend to imagine that they are powerless over their own decisions and we can somehow orchestrate them to a better life.
This is never going to happen. Your effort in seeking to serve their soul is to empower them as someone who is making a choice. Their will and desire are focused in a negative pattern. Addressing the energy is all about getting the conversation to that place, a place where the person can own what they are doing as opposed to dwelling on how hard their life is or how they can’t get a break.
Where we get into trouble is thinking we can be the hero and open a pathway that they can’t see. We forget that they may not want to see that pathway. All our input seems met with a strange type of resistance.
This happens because the person is more interested in validation for their difficulties and not seeking to take responsibility for the decisions that got them to where they are.
So what are we to do? How can we help those that seem so needy if they won’t receive our help? To be frank, all we can do is pray and hold a space for when they are ready to take on the needed work to change.
When you tune into the energy, notice if you feel you are doing a lot of work and nothing seems to be penetrating. The person is not grateful nor appreciative but instead seems to find all the reasons why everything you’re offering wouldn’t work. This is because they are not ready to take actions to be responsible.
This doesn’t mean we are to abandon them. We are to love them and hold the space for when something changes. But do not get sucked into trying to rescue someone who is committed to pursuing desires that lead to pain and suffering.
This is also very common when someone has gotten romantically involved where the person they are attached too is not a healthy addition to their life. Perhaps the person is dishonest or unavailable emotionally. In the worst cases, their partner is abusive to them.
The romantic/sexual/emotional ties can be very hard to break even when the person suffering knows full well that the situation is very toxic. This is because the unconscious beliefs of the one being hurt are also being fulfilled. In other words, people end up staying with abusers because they ahve seen the person’s loving side and they know it is there.
In addition, the abuse triggers their own internal belief that they are inadequate or responsible for what they are getting. These belief systems were likely formed in childhood. The intellectual part of our consciousness is not strong enough to overcome the beliefs.
We need grace, support (where friends can be of service) and we need a very strong will power in order to make the needed changes. That will power will never form until the person decides 100% that they are ready to make the change.
Give more credit to the soul in them. Recognize on some level they are choosing the difficult path possibly for unconscious reasons and their will power may need to develop in order to move themselves out of the destructive pattern.
As well, they may actually get a lot of pleasure from the negative situations but are not willing to own that piece yet. Skilled probing will reveal exactly what is going on. And once you sense the truth, it becomes very evident whether you are to give more time to this individual or else trust that God will watch over them because you really can’t do much more than pray and let them go.